While the notion of phallic worship is largely dismissed as antiquated in contemporary society, compelling evidence suggests the covert survival of a pre-Christian phallic cult into the present day. Its adherents, perhaps predictably, appear to be adolescent males.

Initial evidence of this cult can be readily observed within school textbooks. For instance, the inner title page of a “Vocabulary for GCSE French” textbook may reveal a figure rendered in black ballpoint. This depicts a human stick figure sporting a phallus roughly the length of its entire body, from which comma-like markings denote arcs of ejaculate. Further into the volume, disembodied penises—some ejaculating, others not—also emerge.

The striking resemblance of these images to Neolithic anthropomorphic representations is undeniable. The figure itself echoes the Cerne Abbas Giant or ithyphallic Hermes, archetypes ubiquitous in global pagan art. Evidently, this is not simply an abstract depiction of ‘a man with a disproportionately large penis’; its symbolic nature is clear. Why else would this image, alongside abstract phallic forms, be so frequently and universally replicated?

This act of magical symbol-making is, ostensibly, designed to subvert the authority of the object’s owner—in this instance, an artifact of the reviled education system. This system, a distinctly Christian institution, notoriously seeks to suppress the pagan, animalistic impulses of young males. No other rational explanation suffices: this represents a manifestation of deeply suppressed Pagan phallicism, defiantly expressing opposition to the dominant Christian power structure.

This simplistic stick figure, brandishing an impossibly large phallus, constitutes the central image within the cult’s iconography. Referred to henceforth as ‘Penis Man,’ this figure’s appearances extend beyond objects representing the established Christian state, such as textbooks (perceived instruments of Christian indoctrination) and walls (artificial barriers imposed by the State, dividing individuals). It also proliferates on the walls of public lavatories. This phenomenon, contrary to common assumption, transcends mere scatology.

Public lavatories, akin to Russian bath-houses, are imbued with a certain mystical quality. In contemporary society, they represent one of the few remaining ‘men’s lodges.’ It is therefore unsurprising to discover the cult’s adherents venerating their deity, Penis Man, upon the walls of his ostensible temple. Indeed, the public lavatory also hosts another rite strongly associated with Paganism and the pre-Christian era: the ‘unmentionable vice of the Greeks,’ namely homosexuality. Penis Man is frequently found amidst numerous declarations of tribal loyalty and defiance (e.g., “FUCK OFF MAN UTD SHIT”) and collective ritualistic disparagement of women from rival clans (e.g., “HOLLY IS A SLAG. TRUE”).

One can thus posit a fervent, subterranean movement, primarily comprising young men whose initiation ceremonies undoubtedly involve homosexual acts—regardless of a participant’s inherent nature, demonstrating the ‘manliness’ to endure them is central to the cult’s ethos—a movement that has persisted since the earliest days of Paganism. While it is impossible to determine if Penis Man represents Herne, Dagda, Cernunnos, or another specific deity, his role as a revered archetype is undeniable.

However, the balanced polarity inherent in paganism is also observable within the cult of Penis Man, addressing the female aspect. Alongside Penis Man, exaggerated female figures appear—stick-women with leaf-like vulvas, depicted as an oval bisected by a single slash. A particularly ambitious and meticulously executed marker-pen drawing of a recumbent female figure with splayed legs can be found on a public toilet wall in central Manchester. Is it truly necessary to explicitly invoke ‘Sheila-na-gig‘ to elucidate the identity and significance of this figure?

The concept of pagan continuity, particularly an inherited tradition of secret worship, frequently elicits skepticism. However, those who encounter the crude, shocking, yet undeniably authentic figure of Penis Man may be compelled to re-evaluate their conclusions and, perhaps, confront their own preconceived notions.